Jeremiah 29:11

Before I begin, let me start by saying this is not a funny, light-hearted blog entry. If you're looking for that, you may want to close this window and move on. Today, I'm going to let you into a very personal place...

Last night I finished reading Shades of Blue by Karen Kingsbury. She is one of my favorite Christian authors. If you haven't read any of her books, I highly recommend them! Anyway, without giving away the story, it deals with the death of an unborn baby. This really hit home with me, although my circumstances were very different. 

My close friends and family know that a little over 2 years ago I had a miscarriage. My baby (yes, I said "baby" because I believe life begins at the moment of conception) was only 8 weeks old, but it was a huge loss. I haven't cried over my unborn child in a long time, but last night my heart broke all over again. It broke because I'll never get to see that child's smile, hear his/her laugh, watch the first steps, feel the first hug or kiss, hear "mommy" uttered from those lips, and so on and so on...My heart broke again because Caleb lost a sibling (something I pray with all my might he will still get to experience, even if they may not be blood-related), and my heart broke again because the picture of my family today is so very different from what I thought it would be. Two stockings on the fireplace at Christmas instead of four, one set of little feet running around the house instead of two, etc.

Now, I am not having a pity party. No, that's not the purpose of this blog entry. I decided to write about this for two reasons: 1. wounds may heal, but the scars remain and 2. God's love and strength are waiting to carry you through anything.

Like I said earlier, it has been a long time since I shed tears over the loss of my baby, but last night it was as if it had just happened. The feelings were raw and so painful. In that moment, none of what I had told myself to ease the pain mattered. "God knew my marriage would end and I would be a single mother of two. That would be so difficult to handle...Maybe the baby had developmental problems..." Honestly, I would love to have that child in my life, despite what I now know. No amount of reasoning will ever change that. But something else happened in that moment. And it's what matters most. It's what God told me and showed me. Instantly, I felt His arms around me. I heard the Holy Spirit whisper that it's going to be ok. I knew His heart had broken for all of my losses, and I knew He would redeem them as only He can. He promises that, and He NEVER breaks a promise. 

That is what matters in life. We are on this side of Heaven, so heartbreak is inevitable. It doesn't come from God, but He allows it so we can learn to depend on Him. How else will we become a "peculiar people?" In most cases, people don't watch us when life is all hunky-dory and wonder what's different about us. No, it's when we get sucker-punched and the breath is knocked out of us. That's when they watch and see how we handle it. That's when we are peculiar. I am not the person I am today because of Emily. No way. It's because of Christ. His love, strength, mercy, and grace. Nothing else. 

If you are going through a trial, the wounds are excruciating. I know. I've been there, and what I went through sure isn't the most horrible thing I can imagine happening to a person. But know this: God is waiting with open arms to carry you through it. He wants to bring beauty out of your ashes and love on you like you've never felt loved before. BUT you have to let Him. You have to ask because He's always a gentleman, never forcing you to hand over the reins.

If you've been through a trial and come out on the other side, then know that the wounds may heal but the scars remain. I was reminded of that last night. There are things I would take back in my life in a heartbeat (like my unborn child), and there are others I would not. But the scars remain. Jesus still has His scars from where He hung on the cross and died for our sins. Why is that? God could've made those go away. It's so that we never forget His sacrifice. So that His time with humanity is never forgotten. So that God is "reminded" of what He gave up when he sent His baby boy into our mess. If the perfect Lamb still has His scars, why should we think ours will ever truly go away? They won't. But they are beautiful scars because they can be used to show others our pain and how we made it through. They are reminders that WHEN, not if, life is more wonderful than we can imagine, we never forget our trials. And they help us to be a comfort to others who go through similar trials. 

Isn't God's love beautiful? I mean, wow. Despite what my life is like at the moment, and that the picture of reality today may not match my dreams, I know He has me in His hand. I know I will see my baby again and will hold him/her in Heaven. I know He has my future all mapped out, and if I could see it I would be speechless. We all would be if we could see His plans for us. In the meantime, I hold onto His word. Especially my favorite verse in the Bible: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future."